Incredibly Annoying Couples

Love sucks.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

People in love suck.

Wait, still not there.

People in love who feel the need to do absurd, disgusting things in public suck.

Hurray! You finally met that one special person who lights up your life. You get to hold hands and cuddle and kiss each other on the smoochy woochie. Everyone thinks you’re such a cute couple. And you are. Because you haven’t gotten there yet. But you do need to be careful. After all, you do not want to end up like one of those couples.

The “let’s make-out in public because everyone should learn from us” couple — Probably the most annoying couple there is. They kiss. They cuddle. They feel each other up. And you’re standing there, two feet away, wondering exactly how hard the stupid bell hit them at birth.

Look Hansel and Gretel, you’re not exactly Girls Gone Wild here. Why must you feel the need to disgust everyone around you by sticking fingers in places not sold in stores? Get a room. No wait, get plastic surgery, then get a room. Wow, that’s a really nice tummy shirt you bought at Foxy Lady, but I thought the tummy was supposed to stay inside. Please, from all of us to you — cut off your tongues so that I may put my cigarette out on them.

The “we’re fighting in public but you’re not allowed to look at us” couple — The other day I’m standing outside smoking a cig when I hear the following sentence; “Fuck you and that skanky whore bitch!” Now, call me Curious George but there’s something about the words, “fuck, skanky, whore and bitch” all in the same sentence that makes me somewhat, well, curious.

So I gently look three feet to the left and make eye contact with, who I assume to be the opposite of Ms. Skanky Whore Bitch. She then proceeds to politely tell me to “mind my own fucking business.” Excuse me? Mind my business? Listen up Peggy Sue, last I checked Dr. Phil wasn’t staging a fucking intervention here on the public sidewalk. You wanna call out your man? Well then do it in the privacy of your own fucking insanity.

The “we like to replace each others names with the word baby” couple — “Baby, this doesn’t fit right.” “Well then baby, maybe you should return it.” “But baby, then I have to go back to the store baby.” “Oh baby, we can go together.”

Baby, for the love of everyone who is not you — please shut the fuck up! I actually stopped talking to two of my friends in high school because they never shup up with baby. Baby this, baby that. One day, I lost it. Big time. How do people not see that this obsessive use of the word baby is not only revolting and irritating, but it could cause severe homicidal thoughts from those around you?

So what kinds of couples incredibly annoy you?

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